my darkest secret.

i just visited his blog just now.

he is my crush since i was little. since i was a kid. since i know how to like people. entah umur berapa entah tapi memang aku kecil lagi time tuh :)

anyway, the sad part is. he doesn't know that i have a crush on him. but the worst part is.. i didn't even have the guts to talk to him and we never talk! seriously. not even chatting. not even sms-ing. not even webcam-ing. yup. dah 19 tahun aku hidup, aku tak pernah cakap dengan dia selama nih.


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he is my cousin. tapi yang jauh-jauh punya cousin. he is the son of my mom's cousin. kiranya dua pupu lahh nih. kot. huhu.

since i was a kid, everytime raya he will come to my grandmother's house with his family and his other cousin's. and each and everytime he came, i will pretend that he is not there. but while pretending, i will go and salam everyone and not him (malu lahh) and after that i will do stuff like clear up the table, watch television, play with my brother and cousins but at the same time i will take the chance to look at him when he is busy talking with other people like talking to his cousin for example. *i stayed with my grandmother since i was born. together with my family lahh.

gila lahh kan? yeaahh i know. haha.

tapi nak buat macam mana. dah he is cute. can't say no to not like him. :) *gatal betul.

he got this chinese look face, fair and tall. *at that time lahh.
now he is not that tall afterall. lol. but still a little bit taller than me. macam seinci macam tu. huhu.

then when i was 10, my family and i moved to klang, selangor. each and everytime i went back to penang for raya, only his family will come. not him. i don't know why. i wanted to ask someone but i'm afraid.

then when i was 16 maybe, my family and i went to his family's house. for raya. i was hoping to see him there. but he wasn't even there.

then i heard my mum asking his dad where is he. then his dad replied and told my mum that he is not in malaysia. he is in oversea, studying engineering. if im not mistaken. where? forgotten. sorry! hehe. but his dad showed his pictures that he sent to his parents. they even showed his girlfriend. hancur hati.

then only i said to myself "oh patut lahh tak nampak lama dah".

but now he is back. few years already.


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last time i saw him, at my grandmother's house. last year's raya. he was sitting beside me when we all talking and chatting. my heart goes *dup dap dup dap* but we didn't talk! sad. i know. but he is still cute ;]

i found his blog at my mum's cousin's blog. and for quite sometime, i did go visit his blog. just to know his latest news. few months back, i found out that he has already engaged with his girlfriend. and i was like, hancur hati lagi. dah lah on the month of my birthday pulak tuhh. but i don't mind lahh cause she seems like a nice girl. lawa pun lawa.

but you know what?

just now i found out that he is getting married in 5 months! oh! hancur hati lagi dan lagi. *that is the reason why i am writing about him, here.

tapi tak apa lahh. i don't really mind though. i know he is cute and fair, educated, has apartment in sri hartamas that is quite expensive because of all the facilities like pool, gym, tennis court and so on, has a really great job with a good salary and cool life.

but he is just a crush. a crush that no one knows until the day i reveal, which is today. the crush that i never talk to. and the crush that will officially be hers in 5 months time.

p/s: he turns 25 by end of this year :)

~cheers!~ ^_^"'